safety monkey

in case you don't know, my super identity (and my alter ego/bad side/evil twin) is safety monkey. Safety monkey is a monkey that can fly and has the ability to be safe and to be completely safe, no matter what. He can also turn everyday objects (like glue bottles) into assorted safety accessories (like knee pads). His catch phrase is "bloody uncle" and he is amazing. he is running for president, in fact. He leads the polls in all of the state of bad side-ville. He will most likely win, but that is not necessarily a good thing because he does things like steal matches from freezing to death kids alone in a forest and going to buy knee pads for a kid who is about to get run over by a car. He may be evil, but i love him and we look so alike that we are often mistaken for each other. Strangely, some people are really stupid and call me safety monkey all the time. safety monkey is evil though and constantly uses my real name for things such as AIM and skype. So never trust anything safety monkey says because it's all a lie. If you want to talk to me, call me, don't IM me. His life sucks, though, because he was forced to inhabit the body of my hamster for 12 hours a day. This is how he came about:

When I was the age of exact pi, an evil witch named the acid queen captured me for an experiment to turn me into a fig. Right when she was about to stab me teeth out, she died of an electric shock cast by Smoky the Bear. Smoky then proceeded to take me to his house and have tea with me. Unfortunately, Superman had poisoned the tea and smoky died on the spot. Fortunately, i don't like tea, so i didn't drink it. Then, Superman turned his head at me and shot his laser bolt at me. Then the Hoopster, the man with a thousand hoops came in and threw a shield hoop in the way of the bolt and it saved me. Unfortunately, the bolt deflected off the shield hoop and hit the table, which fell on top of me. The tea soaked my chest and it started to burn the skin on my chest and stomach. Then, Earl McFadden came in with his army proclaiming victory over the castle, and all its subjects. He realized that his superior lord (me) was in pain and he ordered his wife, Hillary Clinton, to heal me. she was almost successful, but then a lemur (a subject of lemur man) jumped through the window and started ripping her limbs off. I was almost saved, but then my bad (arguably good) side escaped through the small hole left in my belly button area and inhabited the lemur's body. The lemur followed me home and then my evil twin jumped out of the lemur through his anal cavity and inhabited my hamster. From that point on, he insisted on being called Gregory, because he was an idiot and thought that Gregory was the most original name ever. This is how he got his powers:

One day, around the year 2003.1415926 when Gregory was walking home from the movies, he saw probably the most disturbing thing he ever saw: a lemur (whose name i later learned was Quasimodo) raping a kid. The lemur, realizing that Gregory was watching, turned around and started running toward Gregory, screaming that he was going to rip off Gregory's limbs. But, then, he stopped, as a hulking, muscled, manly man (just kidding) called from behind him. The man later revealed himself as Neil Myers, but at the time, he referred to himself as lemur man. lemur man walked up to the lemur and kicked it out of sight. He then walked right up to Gregory and spat right at his stomach. the spit, not being poisonous, stayed right where it was for the next few days, because Gregory layed down right there after lemur man slapped him across the face. he woke up a few days later in the lab of the Witch named Mrs. Dowd. She was doing tests on him such as discovering the meaning of life and finding out which fast food restaurant has the best fish fillet sandwich. When he awoke, his immediate response was that he found that he had been turned into a spider monkey. Mrs. Dowd, meanwhile, was becoming very frustrated. she had been testing for 3 days and she still didn't know the answer to her questions. She was fed up with it. she would kill him. right as she was about to shove her fingernails up his nose and pull, his brain out, she died of a sudden heart attack induced by eating to much food from fast food restaurants. Gregory was very scared, but he liked his new body very much. Unfortunately, he would lose it very soon. When he walked out of the lab, he ran into the X-man wolverine. wolverine, being so drunk that he didn't know who he was, slashed wildly and cut off all of the monkey's left fingers. Bleeding profusely, Gregory ran to the nearest hospital and has treated for his illnesses. They were able to stop the bleeding, but were unable to find his fingers. But, life went on. Gregory still had to do all of Zack's chores and go to school for him. After a week of this, Gregory, fed up with it, left to find the home of all monkeys, Southeast Kansas. On the way, Gregory ran into someone who called herself Disco Girl. Disco Girl was kind to this poor, fingerless monkey and took pity on him. She used her magical Disco Powers to give him new, improved, magical Disco fingers. Not only did these fingers give him super disco abilities, but they also gave him the ability to turn anything into a safety related object (who knows why?). This made Gregory very happy. From that point on, he insisted on being called safety monkey. But his happiness was short lived. As Disco Girl was giving Safety Monkey a ride home in her tye-dye batmobile, they saw something lying there in the middle of the road. As they got out of the car, they realized that this was no ordinary roadkill. This was a completely bald, extremely pale, 14-year old boy. As soon as they got within five feet of the thing, it let out a high-pitched scream and lunged for them. Thinking fast, Disco Girl used her magic disco powers to conjure a disco ball together out of assorted fruits, 7 hubcaps from nearby cars, a couple of Hydrogen atoms, and a rubber band ball. This blinded the pupil less creature and it stumbled back, scared. Safety monkey told Disco Girl to save herself, run back to the Batmobile and turn on the air-conditioning. The thing screamed and lunged at her, but missed. He cried out in frustration "no, corn will not fail to eat not-carrot tonight!" Alone, Safety monkey decided to try out his new powers. He jumped away from a diving tackle attempted by corn and picked up a nearby "clue" box and transformed it into a bungee cord. He started attempting to whip this pupil less creature, but it was just too fast! Again and again safety monkey swung, and again and again, corn dodged it. Safety monkey's arm was getting tired, and as he rested his arm for the slightest second, corn conjured up a carrot and threw it at Safety Monkey. It caught Safety Monkey in the stomach and stunned him for a second. Corn lunged again and landed square on top of Safety Monkey's chest. Corn took out another carrot and sharpened it on his teeth and was about to put it right into Safety Monkey's head, but Disco Girl swung in on a sequined jungle vine and kicked him in the butt, which hurts really bad due to the momentum gained from soaring through the air. Corn turned around and tries to land a punch but she was too fast for him. She then sent him flying over her bent knee when he shifted his weight. He ran at her again, but she then gave him a total disco-licious smack in the face and he fell flat on his ass. "Ow," he said, and ran off, never to dare challenge the amazing combo of Disco Girl and Safety Monkey again!

And there you have it, the story of my alter ego, Safety Monkey. I might have more stories later, but due to the fact that this post is already excessively long, i will save them for later post. PS: Don't be afraid to branch off this on your own post, i won't mind.

PPS:D